Online dating
The first message
Most first messages get no reply, and most of them deserve none. The fix takes thirty seconds per message.
The bar here is remarkably low, which is good news. If you write something that could only have been sent to this one person, you are ahead of the large majority of what lands in their inbox.
Why most get ignored
- It is generic. “Hey, how are you?” could go to anyone and is treated accordingly.
- It is only a compliment. Particularly about appearance. It gives them nothing to answer.
- It is a paragraph. Investment before any evidence reads as intense.
- It asks nothing. A statement puts the work of continuing on them.
What to write instead
Three or four sentences. Reference something specific from their profile, add one line about yourself, ask one easy question. Then stop.
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| Hi, how's your weekend going? | That looks like the Dales — am I close? I did Malham last autumn and underestimated it badly. |
| You look lovely in that photo | Your greenhouse looks considerably more successful than mine. What is the secret, and can it be bought? |
| Hey :) | Fellow person who reads the manual and assembles it wrong. What was your most recent disaster? |
| We should get a drink sometime | There is a decent coffee place near the park — would Thursday work? |
The pattern is the same each time: something only they could have prompted, something small about you, and a question that is easy to answer.
If you get no reply
Which will happen most of the time, to everyone. Response rates are low across the board and it says almost nothing about you.
One follow-up after a few days is fine. A second is not, and one that comments on being ignored ends any chance there was. Silence is an answer.
How many to send
More than feels natural. People who describe doing well at this describe messaging five or ten people a week rather than agonising over one. It is a numbers exercise with a good outcome at the end, and treating it as such removes most of the sting.
Getting to a meeting
This is the purpose and most people delay it too long. A reasonable arc: several exchanges, a short video call, then suggest something specific.
“Coffee on Thursday?” works considerably better than “we should meet sometime”, which is what people write when they want to seem keen without risking a no.
If writing these feels like hard work, write three good ones rather than fifteen bad ones. The reply rate on a specific message is several times higher, so the effort per reply is roughly the same and the conversations start better.
Common questions
What should I say in a first message?
Three or four sentences: something specific from their profile, one line about yourself, and one easy question. Anything that could have been sent to anyone will be treated as though it was.
Why does nobody reply to my messages?
Usually because the message is generic, is only a compliment, or asks nothing. Response rates are low for everyone, but those three account for most of the difference.
Should I message again if there is no reply?
One follow-up after a few days is fine. A second is not, and mentioning that you were ignored ends it entirely.
Related guides
Last updated: July 2026