Starting again
Starting again
Meeting someone after a divorce, a bereavement or a long time alone — what to expect and how other people describe getting through the first few months.
If your last first date was decades ago, the unfamiliar part is not the date. It is everything around it — how people arrange to meet now, how quickly they expect a reply, and the fact that most of it begins on a phone.
The emotional side varies enormously and there is no timetable. Some people find it liberating within months; others need years; some decide they would rather not, which is a legitimate answer nobody says out loud often enough.
These pages cover what people who have been through it describe — including the parts that are difficult, like guilt after a bereavement and children reacting badly, which most advice on this subject skips.
Two things worth saying at the outset. There is no correct waiting period after either a divorce or a bereavement, and anyone offering you a number is guessing. What there are instead are some reasonably reliable signs of being ready, and of not being — which is a more useful thing to check against than a calendar.
And the practical obstacle is almost always smaller than the emotional one. The mechanics of meeting people have changed since you last did it, but they are learnable in an afternoon. What takes longer is deciding you want to.
Starting again
Dating after a divorce
→When to start dating after a divorce, what the first few months are actually like, and how to handle children, ex-partners and your own confidence.
Dating after losing a partner
→Dating as a widow or widower — when people describe feeling ready, how to handle guilt and family reactions, and what to expect.
Your first date in twenty years
→What a first date is like when your last one was decades ago — what has changed, what has not, and how to get through the first twenty minutes.
Common questions
How long should I wait before dating again?
There is no correct number and anyone offering one is guessing. More useful is whether you want company for its own sake and whether you would be fine if nobody was interested for six months.
When should I introduce someone to my children?
Later than feels natural — months rather than weeks, and when you are certain rather than hopeful. This is the thing people most often say they rushed.
Is it normal to feel guilty after a bereavement?
Almost everyone describes it, often physically and often in the middle of an evening that was going well. It is a reflex rather than evidence of anything, and it fades.
What has changed since I last dated?
Mostly the mechanics. People meet online first, expect a short video call before meeting, and go for a drink rather than dinner. The evening itself has not changed at all.