Dating after a divorce

The question everyone asks first is how long to wait. The honest answer is that it depends less on months elapsed than on what is going on in your head, and there are some usable tests for that.

Signs you are probably ready

• You can describe the marriage ending without the account being mainly about blame.
• You are not checking what your ex is doing.
• You would still be fine if nobody was interested for six months.
• The idea produces some nervousness rather than dread.
• You want company rather than proof of something.

Signs you probably are not

• You are keen to be seen dating, specifically.
• Conversations return to your ex within ten minutes, whatever the topic.
• You are hoping it will fix how you feel.
• The divorce is still legally or financially live and consuming your attention.
• You are doing it because someone told you it was time.

None of these is disqualifying and none of them is permanent. They are just a reasonable way to check whether the next few months are likely to be enjoyable or difficult.

What the first few months are actually like

Strange, mostly. If your last first date was twenty years ago, the mechanics have changed considerably — people meet online, expect a video call before meeting, and move to a drink faster than you may remember.

That unfamiliarity is the main obstacle rather than anything about you. Our guide to your first date in years covers the practical side.

The emotional side is more variable. Some people find it liberating immediately. Others find the first two or three meetings unexpectedly flattening, and then it lifts. Both are normal and neither predicts how it goes.

Children

The single thing people most often say they got wrong is introducing someone too early.

There is rarely any cost to waiting and there is a real cost to a child forming an attachment to someone who then disappears. Most people who have been through it suggest months rather than weeks, and being certain rather than hopeful.

Their reaction, when it comes, is frequently not the one you predicted. Adult children are sometimes more resistant than young ones. Being told rather than discovering matters more than the timing.

Your ex

If you share children you will keep dealing with each other, and how you talk about them shapes the whole thing. People who date successfully after divorce almost universally describe having stopped relitigating the marriage — not forgiving necessarily, just no longer arguing it.

Practically: do not discuss your divorce in detail on a first date. It is the most common piece of advice on this subject because it is the most commonly ignored.